I saw Noah today and I know legions are waiting for my take on this film. Maybe not legions, but at least a dozen. Okay, maybe two friends who aren’t wrapped up in the season premiere of “Game of Thrones” but still don’t want to do anything productive. So, here you go…
SPOILER ALERT! You don’t need one if you’ve read the story of Noah and his ark in the Bible. Well, that’s not exactly true. The movie has a guy and his family, a big boat designed to haul animals, and a flood that wipes the planet clean. The resemblance to the Old Testament account ends there.
I learned the following from the two hours and 18 minutes I spent with Russell Crowe and company:
· The SyFy Channel took the idea for that classic film Rock Monster from the Bible. (Haven’t seen Rock Monster? You obviously don’t spend enough Saturday nights at home.) It turns out pre-Flood Earth played host to creatures that looked like chunks of broken concrete stuck together. They’re pretty grumpy and would be no fun at a picnic.
· People back then had a really cool energy source, glowing rocks (no relation to the aforementioned creatures) called zophar. Strike them and they glow and burn and can be used to create a Molotov cocktail in a pinch. Noah uses several for that purpose when he has to destroy the raft belonging to his eldest son and pregnant daughter-in-law who have to escape the ark because Noah has sworn to kill their child if it’s a girl because he believes God wants all humanity to be exterminated and a girl could become a mother. (Are you with me so far?) After the raft burns Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, Moses and St. Paul sidle up to the ark on an inflatable boat, packing AK-47s, bandoliers of extra ammo and a party-size bag of Cheetos. They tie up Noah with a sleeping boa constrictor and proceed to flirt with Mrs. Noah, who looks like Jennifer Connelly.
Alright, nothing I said after “Are you with me so far?” was in the movie. But it should have been.
· Now I know why there are no unicorns. I suspect they were eaten by a stowaway named Tubal-Cain, a greasy looking refugee from the Mad Max movies. Come to think of it, I’ve never been so close to becoming a vegetarian as I was while watching Noah. Those characters had no table manners whatsoever, not to mention cooking skills.
· The Genesis account does tell us that Noah commemorated his arrival on dry land by getting drunk and “nekkid.” (In South Carolina, the land of my raising, “nekkid” refers to nudity that’s up to no good.) However, the Bible does not mention that Noah looked like Nick Nolte in his DUI arrest photo, only worse. Want to dissuade your teenagers from drinking? Make them watch Noah downing gallons of wine. I don’t think a drunken grizzly would look as sloppy.
We never hear from God directly in this movie, but I like to think it gave Him a few laughs. When you’re faced with the problems of billions 24/7 you deserve some comic relief. I can hear Him saying:
“Oh My Me, it’s the Rock Monster!”